She’s actually really nice… You- You don’t see people like I do, Zane. I’m connected to every good part of them, even if it isn’t evident to you or to others. T- There’s a lot of bad, but the good… I can feel it. And, um… that’s all I can see.
I- I’m not comfortable with it, okay? I- It’s too much… touching. And stuff. I- I know what you, um, think about. It’s weird, and wrong. Please. Just… be here, I don’t want you gone.
I don’t hate you. You know I can’t hate.
Whatever Amy, you want to be best friends with her sweet side - then have at it. Go and have your little pillow fight and just have a grand ol’ time.
You know that isn’t all I think about! You know I love you, it’s not lust…it’s love. Sure I think about having sex with you, because you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. But I said I would wait, that I didn’t need sex if I had you.
….But if you want me to push back my feelings again and us not be together. There isn’t much I can do, is there? Your minds already made up.
What? Why? No.
You’re pushing me away, becoming besties with Violet. VIOLET, Amy? Why! What did I do to you to make you do those two things. Two things that feel like knifes being stabbed into my chest over and over again.
What do you want from me, Amy? To just be your friend? Push back my feelings again so you don’t have to be with me? Never kiss you again no matter how much I want to? All I want to do is love you and make every moment you are with me better…but you just push me away. Like I’m some diseased stranger.
I’m sorry I picked you to love, I’m sorry I mess up a lot…I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you hate me the way you do right now.
I don’t want to talk!
C- Can’t you just… stay here? And- And be my friend?
Why? Why don’t you! Come here…please.
Don’t you get it? I can never just be your friend. You know that. If you are going to push me away, at least give me some time to have you close if only for a moment.
Stop being mean to me! I- I’m not- I’m not saying I never loved you, but I do want this to stop. Please.
Violet is here, okay? Y- You can try again with her.
I’m not being mean to you! I am trying to get across how much I want you. Alright? I am trying to fight for you and you just want this to stop? Just like that…
Why would you say that? You know that past, you know how much she hurt me and you are saying give her another shot? You’re joking right? For someone who says they will never give up on me, it sure as hell sounds like you are giving up on me now.
It doesn’t matter what I think, or what I feel! Don’t you get it? I’m not a part of all this. I’m- I’m not making you love someone else because you asked me. Just because of that.
I will never give up on you, and I never wanted to take chances, you know that. I didn’t want to, you were the one who dragged me into this. P- Please stop.
No! It does matter! Out of everyone in this town, your opinion and your feelings matter. You’re a part of us, don’t you get that?
You’re giving up on me now, you’re giving up on us now! You were the one who said you loved me years ago too. You kissed me back. You gave me my love back. You smiled when I held you and when I kissed you. You said I love you too. I did not drag you into anything. Hell, I didn’t know loving me could be linked to being dragged, Amy. No wonder everyone I have ever loved leaves me. I’m not going to fucking stop because I love you and I miss you and I want you. You get that? I’m stubborn as hell you know that. Look me in the eye and tell me you never loved me and you want this to end and then I will stop. But that’s the only way I will stop and I will know if you are lying. Come on Goddess.
H- How could I not be short with you? Do you understand what I did for you? And then… and then you just disappeared. That hurt. But- But forget it. My emotions don’t matter, yours do. The world matters more.
I’m never gonna be your Amy. I’m sorry.
I tried to make it better and every time you were still short with me. I get it, I know I messed up. I already said I would do anything to make it up to you. Your emotions matter to me, that’s why I am saying this. That’s why we are having this conversation. So what Amy? You’ll never be my Amy? Because to me you will always be mine. Even if you push me away or make it impossible for me to act on how I feel. What do you want me to do? Forget everything? Shut off my emotions again? Turn back into a heartless little bastard? Make me love somone else when you know you were always my top choice. Come on Goddess tell me, because yet again you are being short with me.
So what? Did you never love me? Is that it? Was this just a way for me to get my love back and then you give up on me? Tell me Amy, because I am in the dark right now. Look me in the eyes and tell me you lied when you said you loved me or that you wanted to take a chance on me. Make me believe you have been lying the entire time. Because right now I’m feeling a pain much greater than any before.
S- Stop saying that word.
About what? I- I can do that.
I know I haven’t been around and that I have messed up…a lot since you decided to take a chance on me. You can be pissed - I understand if you are. But I need you, alright? I need you to be there to help me get back to being able to care and love you the way I should. It’s a lot to ask, but you took a chance on me, right? I can’t do it alone. When I try, both versions of me end up fighting in this mind of mine. I feel as if I am going insane, I feel sane when I am around you…or at least when I was around you. The last couple times we’ve spoken you’ve been nothing but short with me, that hurt Amy. A lot. I don’t see the light in your eyes anymore, is that my fault too? If it is then I will fix it, I just want Amy back. My Amy, my goddess. I need her back. This Amy….this isn’t the Amy I fell for so many years ago. You aren’t talking to Trick much anymore? That’s not you Amy, you two….he is your best friend. He needs you, maybe not as much as I but it’s not you to not spend time with him. And I love you. You know that, I love you more than anything else the world has to offer. But I can’t do it on my own, this is all very new to me still, I have so many emotions rushing through my system that I haven’t felt in years. I want to talk like we did before I got sick. I want us to get closer than we have ever had before. But that means I need you to be my Amy again.
That’s my peace, that’s what I have been thinking. It’s out on the table. Your move, Goddess. We need to work outr shit out, because I fucking miss you.
Because my mind is a pretty fucked up place right now.
We need to talk. And by talk I mean I need to tell you things and you need to listen and not be so short with me as you have been in the past. Can you do that? It’s important.